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I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. She likes it up and down and I like it back and forth. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. (Ask them to leave a message.) [Lots of phone pick-up noise] Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. [Star Trek theme in the background] [Voice 1] Room 17, the final frontier.
After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer. Leave a message at the beep and we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished brushing our teeth. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. (In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans; husky, soft female voice is best:) Hi... [Voice 2] These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. so, lea a messeg and we deliver straigt to you pants.
This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back. (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. 02/26/05 - Terra Dickoff from Blueballs, Ainus: if you would like to suck my tiny balls call 970-333-1576 02/17/05 - Dodo from Baaland: I like toothpicks. 01/29/05 - Casey from USA: What the hell do u want? 01/27/05 - Daisy from Van Nuys: nice 01/22/05 - Hash from niggertown: This site is like not so cool cant you think of something els to take up space on the net for fuck sakes 01/21/05 - Cyndi from PA: This site SUCKS 01/21/05 - becca has big boobies from dc.: (in a chinese voice)helo? so leave me a message and mabye just maybe ill get back to you 01/17/05 - FLOWER from TEXAS: YOU GOT ME, NOW I WANT YOU......... 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, If you're a bill collector we sent the money, if you're a telemarketer this call is gonna cost you money, if you're our parents send some moeny, if you're our friends you owe us money, if you are a man you'll supply the money...
If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... (Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:) Hello. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins. (To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number.
If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI. Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. (Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. (To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate music:) I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, and if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP (To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana:) Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home, Leave a message, At the tone. (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message.
Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you I'm sorry, I've been trying to break the record for "the most calls missed" if its a emergency or your dieing or something, please hold on till the record is broken. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number... B, address, social security number, age, height, weight, how many children you have, what sex you are, your mother's maiden name, and the date and time when you called me. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. (Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Its two-semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. 01/20/05 - wynand from south africa: mmmm just testing 01/19/05 - BRITT N CASS from THE INTERNET: GOD MAD MUD GOD MADE DIRT GOD MADE BOYS SO I KIN FLIRT!!!
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you are hearing this tape, then I'm not here now. If you are still listening, then whatever you have to say must be very important. I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. Santa can't come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. [Voice 3] To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. SO IF UR A GUY THEN how bout you c me tonigh AROUNDE FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 01/18/05 - tom from australia: shutup 01/18/05 - SAM! 01/16/05 - Hrejtpoje from Outer Space: Hey wanna find out if we really like talking to you then leave a message and you'll find out if we call you back. Baby That's soo GREAT..please don't stop.is this thing on well Hey we are kind of busy right now doing taxes so leave a message and when we are done washing dishes we'll call you back.